You’re taught about history, science, and math when you’re growing up. Most of us, however, aren’t taught how to identify or deal with our own emotions, or the emotions of others. These skills can be valuable, but you’ll never get them in a classroom.

Emotional intelligence is a shorthand that psychological researchers use to describe how well individuals can manage their own emotions and react to the emotions of others. People who exhibit emotional intelligence have the less obvious skills necessary to get ahead in life, such as managing conflict resolution, reading and responding to the needs of others, and keeping their own emotions from overflowing and disrupting their lives. In this guide, we’ll look at what emotional intelligence is, and how to develop your own.

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Measuring emotional intelligence is relatively new in the field of psychology, only first being explored in the mid-80s. Several models are currently being developed, but for our purposes, we’ll examine what’s known as the “mixed model,” developed by psychologist Daniel Goleman. The mixed model has five key areas:

• Self-awareness: Self-awareness involves knowing your own feelings. This includes having an accurate assessment of what you’re capable of, when you need help, and what your emotional triggers are.

• Self-management: This involves being able to keep your emotions in check when they become disruptive. Self-management involves being able to control outbursts, calmly discussing disagreements, and avoiding activities that undermine you like extended self-pity or panic.

• Motivation: Everyone is motivated to action by rewards like money or status. Goleman’s model, however, refers to motivation for the sake of personal joy, curiosity, or the satisfaction of being productive.

• Empathy: While the three previous categories refer to a person’s internal emotions, this one deals with the emotions of others. Empathy is the skill and practice of reading the emotions of others and responding appropriately.

• Social skills: This category involves the application of empathy as well as negotiating the needs of others with your own. This can include finding common ground with others, managing others in a work environment, and being persuasive.

You can read a bit more about these different categories here. The order of these emotional competencies isn’t all that relevant, as we all learn many of these skills simultaneously as we grow. It’s also important to note that, for our purposes, we’ll only be using this as a guide. Emotional intelligence isn’t an area that most people receive formal training in. We’ll let psychologists argue over the jargon and models, but for now let’s explore what each of these mean and how to improve them in your own life.

Self-Awareness

Before you can do anything else here, you have to know what your emotions are. Improving your self-awareness is the first step to identifying any problem area you’re facing. Here are some ways to improve your self-awareness:

• Keep a journal: Career skill blog recommends starting by keeping a journal of your emotions . At the end of every day, write down what happened to you, how you felt, and how you dealt with it. Periodically, look back over your journal and take note of any trends, or any time you overreacted to something.

• Ask for input from others: As we’ve talked about before when dealing with your self-perception, input from others can be invaluable . Try to ask multiple people who know you well where your strengths and weaknesses lie. Write down what they say, compare what they say to each other and, again, look for patterns. Most importantly, don’t argue with them. They don’t have to be correct. You’re just trying to gauge your perception from another’s point of view.

• Slow down (or meditate): Emotions have a habit of getting the most out of control when we don’t have time to slow down or process them . The next time you have an emotional reaction to something, try to pause before you react (something the internet makes easier than ever, if you’re communicating online). You can also try meditating to slow your brain down and give your emotional state room to breathe.

If you’ve never practiced intentional self-awareness, these tips should give you a practical head start. One strategy I personally use is to go on long walks or have conversations with myself discussing what’s bothering me. Often, I’ll find that the things I say to the imaginary other end of the conversation can give me some insight into what’s really bugging me. The important aspect is to look inwards, rather than focusing solely on external factors.

Self-Management

Once you know how your emotions work, you can start figuring out how to handle them. Proper self-management means controlling your outbursts, distinguishing between external triggers and internal over-reactions, and doing what’s best for your needs.

One key way to manage your emotions is to change your sensory input. You’ve probably heard the old advice to count to ten and breathe when you’re angry. Speaking as someone who’s had plenty of overwhelming issues with depression and anger, this advice is usually crap (though if it works for you, more power to you). However, giving your physical body a jolt can break the cycle. If you’re feeling lethargic, do some exercise. If you’re stuck in an emotional loop, give yourself a “snap out of it” slap. Anything that can give a slight shock to your system or break the existing routine can help.

Lifehacker alum Adam Dachis also recommends funneling emotional energy into something productive. It’s alright to let overwhelming emotions stew inside you for a moment, if it’s not an appropriate time to let them out. However, when you do, rather than vent it on something futile, turn it into motivation instead:

I recently started playing tennis for fun, knowing that I’d never become exceptional because I began too late in life. I’ve become better and have a very minor talent for the game, so when I play poorly I now know and I get down on myself. When up against an opponent with far more skill I find it hard to do much else than get angry. Rather than let that anger out, I take note of it and use it to fuel my desire to practice more. Whether in sports, work, or everyday life, we can get complacent with our skill and forget that we always have some room for improvement. When you start to get mad, get better instead.

You can’t always control what makes you feel a certain way, but you can always control how you react. If you have some impulse control problems, find ways to get help when you’re feeling calm. Not all emotions can be vented away. My struggle with depression taught me that some emotions persist long after the overflow. However, there’s always a moment when those feelings feel a little less intense. Use those moments to seek help.

Motivation

We talk about motivation a lot . When we’re talking about motivation as it relates to emotional intelligence, however, we don’t just mean getting up the energy to go to work. We’re talking about your inner drive to accomplish something. That drive isn’t just some feel-goody nonsense, either. As Psychology today explains, there’s a section of your prefrontal cortex that lights up at the mere thought of achieving a meaningful goal.

Whether your goal is building a career, raising a family, or creating some kind of art, everyone has something they want to do with their life.When your motivation is working for you, it connects with reality in tangible ways. Want to start a family? Motivated people will start dating. Want to improve your career? Motivated people will educate themselves, apply for new jobs, or angle for a promotion.

Daniel Goleman suggests that in order to start making use of that motivation, you first need to identify your own values. Many of us are so busy that we don’t take the time to examine what our values really are. Or worse, we’ll do work that directly contradicts what we value for so long that we lose that motivation entirely.

Unfortunately, we can’t give you the answer for what it is you want in life, but there are lots of strategies you can try . Use your journal to find times when you’ve felt fulfilled. Create a list of things you value. Most of all, accept the uncertainty in life and just build something. Fitness instructor Michael Mantell, Ph.D suggests that using lesser successes you know you can accomplish. Remember, everyone who’s accomplished something you want to achieve did it slowly, over time.

Empathy

Your emotions are only one half of all your relationships. It’s the half you focus on the most, sure, but that’s only because you hang out with yourself every day. All the other people that matter to you have their own set of feelings, desires, triggers, and fears. Empathy is your most important skill for navigating your relationships . Empathy is a life-long skill, but here are some tips you can use to practice empathy:

• Shut up and listen: We’re gonna start with the hardest one here, because it’s the most important. You can’t experience everyone else’s lives to fully understand them, but you can listen. Listening involves letting someone else talk and then not countering what they say. It means putting aside your preconceptions or skepticism for a bit and allowing the person you’re talking to a chance to explain how they feel. Empathy is hard, but virtually every relationship you have can be improved at least marginally by waiting at least an extra ten seconds before you retake the conversation.

• Take up a contrary position to your own: One of the quickest ways to solidify an opinion in your mind is to argue in favor of it. To counter this, take up a contrary position. If you think your boss is being unreasonable, try defending their actions in your head. Would you find their actions reasonable if you were in their shoes? Even asking the questions of yourself can be enough to start empathizing with another’s point of view (though, of course, getting real answers from others can always help).

• Don’t just know, try to understand: Understanding is key to having empathy. As we’ve discussed before, understanding is the difference between knowing something and truly empathizing with it. If you catch yourself saying, “I know, but,” a lot, take that as an indicator that you should pause a bit more. When someone tells you about an experience that’s not your own, take some time to mull over how your life might be different if you experienced that on a daily basis. Read about it until it clicks. It’s okay if you don’t spend all your time devoted to someone else’s life, but putting in just some time—even if it’s idle thought time while you work—can be beneficial.

By definition , empathy means getting in the emotional dirt with someone else. Allowing their experiences to resonate with your own and responding appropriately. It’s okay to offer advice or optimism, but empathy also requires that you wait for the right space to do that. If someone’s on the verge of tears, or sharing some deep pain, don’t make light of it and don’t try to minimize the hurt. Be mindful of how they must feel and allow them space to feel it.

Social Skills

Summing up all social skills in one section of an article would do about as much justice to the topic as if we snuck in a brief explainer on astrophysics. However, the tools you develop in the other four areas will help you resolve a lot of social problems that many adults still wrestle with. As Goleman explains, your social skills affect everything from your work performance to your romantic life:

Social competence takes many forms – it’s more than just being chatty. These abilities range from being able to tune into another person’s feelings and understand how they think about things, to being a great collaborator and team player, to expertise at negotiation. All these skills are learned in life. We can improve on any of them we care about, but it takes time, effort, and perseverance. It helps to have a model, someone who embodies the skill we want to improve. But we also need to practice whenever a naturally occurring opportunity arises – and it may be listening to a teenager, not just a moment at work.

You can start with the most common form of social problems: resolving a disagreement. This is where you get to put all your skills to the test in a real-world environment. We’ve gone into this subject in-depth here , but we can summarize the basic steps:

• Identify and deal with your emotions: Whenever you have an argument with someone else, things can get heated. If someone involved is emotionally worked up, deal with that problem first. Take time apart to vent, blow off steam on your own, then return to the problem. In a work environment, this may just mean complaining to a friend before you email your boss back. In a romantic relationship, remind your partner that you care about them before criticizing.

• Address legitimate problems once you’re both calm: Once you’re in your right headspace, identify what the conflict is. Before you jump to solutions, make sure you and the other person agree on what the problems really are . Propose solutions that are mutually beneficial and be sympathetic to any concessions the other person may be unwilling to make (but be sure to stand firm on your own).

• End on a cooperative note: Whether in business or pleasure, relationships work best when everyone involved knows that they’re on the same page. Even if you can’t end on a positive note, make sure that the last intention you communicate is a cooperative one. Let your boss/coworker/significant other know that you want to work towards the same goal, even if you have different views.

Not every type of interaction with another person will be a conflict, of course. Some social skills just involve meeting new people , socializing with people of different mindsets , or just playing games . However, resolving conflict can be one of the best ways to learn how to apply your emotional skills. Disputes are best resolved when you know what you want, can communicate it clearly, understand what someone else wants, and come to favorable terms for everyone. If you’ve been paying attention, you’ll notice that this involves every other area of the emotional intelligence model.

Article Source: lifehacker

It is critical to remember that this crisis we are facing is a crisis in which the sacred powers of love in the human soul are being diverted by distraction, by greed, by ignorance, by the pursuit of power, so that they never irrigate the world and transform it. What is needed is a vision of evolutionary relationship as a relationship that helps us come into the real, take responsibility for it, and enact our sacred purpose with a partner, and for the world: when two lovers come together in this dynamic love consciousness, they create a transformative field of sacred energy, from which both can feed to inspire their work in reality.

There are seven requirements necessary, I believe, for this tremendously potent vision of evolutionary love to emerge in the world.

The first requirement is that both beings need to be plunged individually into a deep and passionate devotion of the Beloved, by whatever name they know the Beloved, because without both beings centering their life in God, the relationship will never be able to escape the private circle. From the very beginning it must be centered in the Divine. It must be a relationship that is undertaken in the conscious presence of the Divine for the Divine’s great work in the Universe. Only a relationship that is centered in God, and that has God as the prime actor in the relationship, will be able to bear the vicissitudes of authentic love, of dealing with the challenges of life and service in the world.

The second requirement for an evolutionary love is that both beings must develop a mastery of solitude. In his Letters to a Young Poet, Rilke wrote:

“Authentic love is where two solitudes border, protect, and salute each other.”

They “border” each other, they don’t infiltrate each other’s domain. They “protect” because they realize that the solitude that each one has is the source of inner wealth and inner revelation; they “salute” because they understand that the work of solitude, the work that goes into solitude, the heart work, the yearning, the longing, the deep contemplation of one’s gifts and one’s faults, is a sacred work that is the secret foundation of healthy relationship. In too many relationships in our current narcissistic model, what threatens the person most is the solitude of the other. In a true evolutionary relationship, what can exhilarate one person the most is the other’s solitude, because they know that solitude has the potential to make them a billionaire of generosity, of insight, and of creativity.

The third requirement is that in a true evolutionary relationship there is an equality of power, and that equality is born out of a profound experience of the sacredness and dignity of the other person’s soul. This new relationship that is trying to be given to us by the Mother is what I call the beloved-beloved relationship. One person isn’t the beloved and the other only the lover. Both partners recognize in each other the unique face that God is turning to them in order to bring them the essence of divine truth, which is embodied love. From that recognition of each other as the Beloved flows a natural movement of passionate honoring and service of the other’s life. This gives each person the freedom and the energy and the joy that they need to go out into the world and fulfill their destiny. This is crucial because in the past there has been a vision of inequality of power.

The male has often had the power and the female hasn’t. Dominant and submissive roles between two people have been seen as inevitable.

Now what’s emerging is the mutual recognition of holiness and sacredness expressed in tantric rapture, in an adoration and worship of the other in the core of life.

The fourth requirement follows on from the third: if you are going to have a beloved-beloved relationship, you have to center your whole being and work and evolution in God. You have to be a master of your own solitude so that you can work on what is necessary to deepen that sacred relationship of the Divine. You must also bring the sacred practice of prayer and meditation into the very core of your life, so that the whole relationship can be enfolded in a mutually shared sacred enterprise.

The fifth requirement is that both lovers completely abandon any Hollywood sentimentality about what relationships actually are. As love becomes more evolutionary and conscious, so does each lover’s understanding of each other’s shadow. One of the essential roles of this new love is to make each person in the relationship the safe-guarder of the other’s shadow—not the judge of the other’s shadow, not the denier of the other’s shadow, but someone who recognizes where the other has been wounded, and safeguards and protects them with unconditional compassion without allowing themselves to be mauled or manipulated by the other. This takes an immense effort, because it takes an immense effort to understand your own shadow, and an even greater effort to face and comprehend, without illusion, denial or repulsion, the shadow of the other.

The sixth requirement is that if you are going to enter into the evolutionary process, you have to accept that it never ends, never stops unfolding.

There is no end to transformation, because divine love is infinite.

Evolution is fundamentally a death/rebirth cycle that repeats itself in higher and higher dimensions, and any authentic evolutionary relationship must have the courage to go through the deaths that engender the rebirths. Marion Woodman, the great Jungian analyst and pioneer of the sacred feminine, said to me, “I have had four marriages with my husband, and at the end of each marriage there was a crisis that we had to make the commitment to go through, a projection that had to die. But we stuck at it and we went through it, and the love that we know now in our eighties is the greatest and deepest love we have experienced.”

The seventh principle requirement is that from the very beginning of this adventure into evolutionary love you must make the commitment for it not to be just a personal orgy, a cultivation of an oasis of private pleasure. You must engage consciously in this relationship to make you stronger, to serve the planet, to recognize that it is a relationship not only grounded in God, not only infused by sacred practice, but it is from the very beginning dedicated to making both people more powerful, more reflective, more passionately engaged with the only serious truth of our time: The world is dying, and we need a major revolution of the heart to empower everyone to step forward and start doing the work of reconstruction and re-creation that is now desperately needed.

Article Source: Theurbanhowl

Finding a partner that understands you is SO important. Finding an understanding of yourself is **even more important**. Only then, can you both truly appreciate the mutual love language you share. Here the phenomenally talented Aisha Malik of the Mamanushka blog tells us why, in her love language, ‘take your time’ says I love you like nothing else.

The first time I heard them was as a newlywed. We were meant to be stepping out for a small gathering in our honour and as a new bride, I was more than thrilled to dress up in a carefully chosen outfit and shimmery make-up. But, despite my best intentions and planning, we were running late… no, I was making us late.

The slippery hijab kept escaping from my fingers, the eyeliner kept smudging and each glance at the clock increased my agitation. My husband, completely ready to leave, would check in – find me still fighting with that hijab and say nothing, eventually taking a seat to wait and in the process making me more anxious still. Finally, I heard his voice from the armchair in the corner,

Don’t stress, it’s okay. Take your time.

In hindsight, it seems like a ridiculous thing for me to have stressed over anyways but in that moment those words were transformative. Take your time. I immediately relaxed. The hijab pins fell into place, my cat eyes flicked upwards at just the right angle and in a matter of moments, I was done. I didn’t know it then, but these three words were destined to be amongst the most romantic I would ever hear. A permanent fixture in our own personal love lexicon.

You see, I was a slow child.

Not academically, nor even athletically but in the everyday rhythm of life, I’ve always functioned at a more ‘relaxed’ pace. Growing up, I was consistently running behind the family schedule – the last to get ready, the last to finish eating, the last to leave, the last to come inside.

My Mama, fastidious in her punctuality, was constantly reminding me of the time. An hour till we have to leave Aiysha. Thirty minutes. Fifteen. Five. We’re leaving!

And despite my best attempts at starting extra early or organising myself better, I was still always rushing at the end. And I hated it. The countdown. The inner panic. That knowledge that I was holding others back. It was an ever present low level stress. And of course, the more I rushed, the more clumsy and forgetful I became, and the longer I took. It was a sad, seemingly never-ending cycle destined to be repeated in every circumstance of my life, from home to school to work to social engagements and beyond.

Eventually I met my future husband and, since ours was a transatlantic romance, he was, thankfully, saved from my leisurely everyday nature as our courtship avoided having to weave in and out of a daily schedule – being instead a more dramatic, jetsetting type of thing.

That is, until we actually were married and, needed to do things according to schedules and plans. Oh no. As the proverbial weakest link, I knew what this meant for me. I would need to finally overcome my slowness. Which brings us to my initial frantic getting ready and Husband’s calming words.

In that moment, those words felt supportive, thoughtful and kind. I had rarely, if ever, been encouraged to be slower than I was by taking even more time. But the effect was immediate and I thrived in all they conferred upon me.

It’s a funny thing, romance. We expect it to be big and obvious and you know, sometimes it is! Just like in a novel or a movie. But other times? Well… if you’d asked me, a decade ago, what romance ‘sounded’ like, it definitely wouldn’t be take your time and yet, as the years pass, those magical words reappear and each time, their meaning deepens.

A few years after our wedding would see us busy setting up house as working professionals. Our days felt impossibly full and hurried and I was often scrambling through one prayer and then another – constantly overestimating the time between them during the dark UK winters. Then, one evening, with a hand on my shoulder:

Take your time.

And it meant I love you more than this world and our life in it. In an instant, I was centered. Reminded of first principles – that nothing was more important than remembering the One who created time and that giving this moment it’s due would make the rest of our tasks easy. It was an encouragement without judgement, a suggestion without censure and ultimately a reflection of a love that is Sacred.

Some years later still, we became parents and in addition to all the usual changes, I was dismayed to realise that my new role as a mother had little value in the society in which I became one. And so, as I struggled to feed this new tiny being while still trying to entertain visitors and seem “normal” and “recovered”, I heard it again:

Take your time.

Tears pricked my eyes. Sitting for an impossibly long time, with a wailing infant while guests waited in the other room, it meant I will hold this space for you. We are in this together. Your efforts are worthy. You are enough. The time I was taking was the time I needed to take to nurture this baby. No apologies would ever be necessary.

And these days? Well, as we snuggle up onto our sofa, Husband looks at me over the cups of tea he’s made. Just one minute I say, attempting to speed read my way through the latest book, I’m almost at the end of this chapter. He always smiles at this explanation,

Take your time.

With those words a deep warmth emanates from my soul – like a hug from within. I hear them and know that they mean everything they have before and also this: That exactly as I am, in this precise space and at this precise moment, there is no place more important and no person more cherished. And truthfully, could anything be more romantic than that?

Article Source: Mamanushka

Marriage is not just about finding the right partner and your wedding day. It is about keeping a marriage going Every. Single. Day. Sometimes the best way to learn how to do something is to learn from those who have not done it so well. This article may be targeting husbands, but wives have a lot to learn from it too. Enjoy.

1. NEVER stop courting.

Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART.

Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.

You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. A change will come, and in that, you have to re-choose each other every day. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her.

Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love.

5. IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER…

Your job is to love her as she is no expectation of her ever-changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions.

It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that, your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. NEVER BLAME.

Never blame your wife. If you get frustrated or angry, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them…when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to JUST BE.

When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s OK. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you….DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. BE SILLY…

Don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY…

Learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority every day to make her feel loved.

11. BE PRESENT.

Give her not only your time but your focus, your attention, and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are full WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY

Carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. DON’T BE AN IDIOT…

And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. GIVE HER SPACE…

The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…(OK, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered.)

15. BE VULNERABLE…

You don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fear and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. BE FULLY TRANSPARENT.

If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING….Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, and part of that courage is allowing her to love your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK….If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER…

The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is for a relationship that isn’t focused on growing. Find common goals, dreams, and visions to work towards.

18. DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY.

Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both person strength to win.

19. FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY

And focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes is a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. Forgiveness is freedom. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.

In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices are governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end, MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed to carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

MEN—THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Article Source: Faithit

Here at Matchbox, we’re firm believers in asking the right questions. One of the first questions we ask our clients is ‘What do you bring to a marriage’, and at least once a week someone will respond with ‘I’ve never thought of that question’. Our dedicated Matchmakers also take a lot of time out to ask your prospective matches the awkward questions that you may not want to. Although a couple of the questions mentioned here by Eleanor Stanford, writing for the New York Times, may be more relevant for those dating, for the most part, this list of questions provides a good start to the ‘marriage conversation’.

When it comes to marriage, what you don’t know really can hurt you.

Whether because of shyness, lack of interest or a desire to preserve romantic mystery, many couples do not ask each other the difficult questions that can help build the foundation for a stable marriage, according to relationship experts.

In addition to wanting someone with whom they can raise children and build a secure life, those considering marriage now expect their spouses to be both best friend and confidant. These romantic-comedy expectations, in part thanks to Hollywood, can be difficult to live up to.

Sure, there are plenty of questions couples can ask of each other early in the relationship to help ensure a good fit, but let’s face it: most don’t.

“If you don’t deal with an issue before marriage, you deal with it while you’re married,” said Robert Scuka, the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. It can be hard to keep secrets decade after decade, and reticence before the wedding can lead to disappointments down the line.

The following questions, intimate and sometimes awkward, are designed to spark honest discussions and possibly give couples a chance to spill secrets before it’s too late.

1.Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?

A relationship’s success is based on how differences are dealt with, said Peter Pearson, a founder of the Couples Institute. As we are all shaped by our family’s dynamic, he said, this question will give you insight into whether your partner will come to mimic the conflict resolution patterns of his or her parents or avoid them. 

2.Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?

With the question of children, it is important to not just say what you think your partner wants to hear, according to Debbie Martinez, a divorce and relationship coach. Before marrying, couples should honestly discuss if they want children. How many do they want? At what point do they want to have them? And how do they imagine their roles as parents? Talking about birth–control methods before planning a pregnancy is also important, said Marty Klein, a sex and marriage therapist.

3.Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?

Bradford Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, pointed to research his organization has sponsored that indicated that having had many serious relationships can pose a risk for divorce and lower marital quality. (This can be because of a person having more experience with serious breakups and potentially comparing a current partner unfavorably with past ones.) Raising these issues early on can help, Dr. Wilcox said. Dr. Klein said people are “hesitant to explicitly talk about their past” and can feel retroactively jealous or judgmental. “The only real way to have those conversations in an intimate and productive way and loving way is to agree to accept that the other person had a life before the couple,” he said.

4.How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?

If two people come from different religious backgrounds, is each going to pursue his or her own religious affiliation? Dr. Scuka has worked with couples on encouraging honest discussion around this issue as the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. What is more, spouses are especially likely to experience conflict over religious traditions when children are added to the mix, according to Dr. Wilcox. If the couple decide to have children, they must ask how the children’s religious education will be handled. It is better to have a plan, he said.

5.Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?

It’s important to know how your partner feels about financial self-sufficiency and whether he or she expects you to keep your resources separate, said Frederick Hertz, a divorce lawyer. Disclosing debts is very important. Equally, if there is a serious discrepancy between your income and your partner’s, Dr. Scuka recommended creating a basic budget according to proportional incomes. Many couples fail to discuss sharing finances, though it is crucial, he said.

6.What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?

Couples should make sure they are on the same page in terms of financial caution or recklessness. Buying a car is a great indicator, according to Mr. Hertz. Couples can also frame this question around what they spend reckless amounts of money on, he said.

7.Can you deal with my doing things without you?

Going into marriage, many people hope to keep their autonomy in certain areas of their life at the same time they are building a partnership with their spouse, according to Seth Eisenberg, the president of Pairs (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills). This means they may be unwilling to share hobbies or friends, and this can lead to tension and feelings of rejection if it isn’t discussed. Couples may also have different expectations as to what “privacy” means, added Dr. Klein, and that should be discussed, too. Dr. Wilcox suggested asking your partner when he or she most needs to be alone.

8.Do we like each other’s parents?

As long as you and your partner present a united front, having a bad relationship with your in-laws can be manageable, Dr. Scuka said. But if a spouse is not willing to address the issue with his or her parents, it can bode very poorly for the long-term health of the relationship, he said. At the same time, Dr. Pearson said, considering the strengths and weaknesses of your parents can illuminate future patterns of attachment or distancing in your own relationship.

9.How important is sex to you?

Couples today expect to remain sexually excited by their spouse, an expectation that did not exist in the past, according to Mr. Eisenberg. A healthy relationship will include discussion of what partners enjoy about sex as well as how often they expect to have it, Dr. Klein said. If people are looking to experience different things through sex — pleasure versus feeling young, for example — some negotiation may be required to ensure both partners remain satisfied.

10.How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?

Dr. Klein said couples should discuss their attitudes about pornography,flirting and expectations for sexual exclusivity. A couple’s agreement on behavior in this area can, and most likely will, change down the line, he said, but it is good to set the tone early on so both partners are comfortable discussing it. Ideally, sexual exclusivity should be talked about in the same way as other day–to–day concerns, so that problems can be dealt with before a partner becomes angry, he said. Dr. Pearson suggested asking your partner outright for his or her views on pornography. Couples are often too scared to ask about this early in the relationship, but he has frequently seen it become a point of tension down the line, he said.

11.Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?

Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, “The 5 Love Languages,” introduced this means of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen a marriage. Ms. Martinez hands her premarriage clients a list of the five love languages: affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. She asks them to mark their primary and secondary languages and what they think is their partner’s, and discuss them. Mr. Eisenberg said that a couple needs to work out how to nurture the relationship, in a way specific to them.

12.What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?

Can you imagine the challenges ever outweighing the admiration? If so, what would you do? Anne Klaeysen, a leader of the New York Society for Ethical Culture, said that couples rarely consider that second question. Ideally, marriage is a life commitment, she said, and it’s not enough to just “click together,” as many couples describe their relationship. A marriage must go deeper than that original “click.”

13.How do you see us 10 years from now?

Keeping the answer to this question in mind can help a couple deal with current conflict as they work toward their ultimate relationship goals, according to Mr. Eisenberg.

Dr. Wilcox said this discussion could also be an opportunity to raise the question of whether each partner will consider divorce if the relationship deteriorates, or whether they expect marriage to be for life, come what may.

Article Source : nytimes.com

Today’s Young (and not so young) Muslims are reclaiming the narrative and space of who, how and why to get married. In this article stemming from Nanjiani’s film The Big Sick, Siminpillai quotes Toronto’s Imam Yusuf Badat showing just some of the ways that this process is being reclaimed.

Article Source : nowtoronto.com

Marriage means different things for different people. A common question our clients ask us matchmakers is how do we make our marriage for God, but still enjoy it. This beautiful, and very short, comment by Shaykh Aslam is a great insight into doing just that. When your daily acts and reminders within your marriage are a means of becoming a better person and helping your partner become better – through love, mercy and concern; then you’re really completing half your deen.

This excerpt was originally extracted from a 2016 lecture by the lovely folk over at Sout Ilaahi.

Q: Shaykh, how do we make our marriage a means of having a relationship with Allah, meaning husband and wife and the intimacy with Allah (swt), can you give us the secrets?

A: (Shaykh Aslam) The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “If the husband wakes up and then he wakes up his wife for the Morning Prayer, the Prophet (ﷺ) said, Allah have mercy upon that husband. And if the wife wakes up and she awakens the husband for the Morning Prayer, the Prophet (ﷺ) said, Allah have mercy upon that woman who wakes up her husband.”

So this relationship of marriage should also be companionship of treading the path to Allah (swt) by encouraging each other upon worship, reminding each other of Allah’s blessings and Allah’s favours, reminding each other of righteous and pious acts so that both stay strong in worship to Allah (swt).

This question was answered by Shaykh Mohammed Aslam at a public lecture in 2016.

Alhamdulillah, Shaykh Mohammed Aslam will be coming to Singapore from 11Aug – 12 Aug for a series of spiritually recharging, soul-awakening lectures and workshops.

Embrace the true reality of Divine Love, find inspiration and hope in the Everlasting Friendship with Allah and the Prophet ﷺ, and learn how to manifest both Divine Beauty and Majesty the way the Companions did.

Tickets selling fast! Details & registration link here.

For bank transfer, email us at enquiries@soutilaahi.com

Article Source: soutilaahi.com

Matchbox works with professionals in every field imaginable, from doctors to aeronautical engineers to those working for the Canadian navy. We know all to well the struggle the Matchbox family have with ensuring a work-life balance; particularly when they are searching for a spouse. Some within our family are intending to make a conscious choice to work on this balance upon finding the right partner; others within our family feel this will naturally occur as they move from one phase to another. Whatever your approach, this article written by the good folk over at Productive Muslim  takes three lessons from the life of the Prophet ﷺ to help us approach work-life balance in a much healthier way.

To many people, work-life balance is at best a good idea, or at worst a terrible modern day joke that doesn’t make anyone laugh anymore.

In the words of Boris Groysberg and Robin Abrahams, who wrote in a March 2014 Harvard Business Review article: “Work/life” balance is at best an elusive ideal and at worst a complete myth, today’s senior executives will tell you.”

The underlying reason for this elusiveness is that we’re constantly connected and expected to be present both for “work” and “life” at all times: when we are at work, we’re expected to be reachable by family and friends, and when we are at home we are expected to be on call for work and clients.

Despite the efforts of many companies to implement work life balance practices for their employees, it is the individuals themselves who struggle most with juggling their roles in a meaningful and effective way.

As part of my work to develop faith-driven professional training for individuals and corporates, I looked into the life and sayings of Prophet Muhammad صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم and tried to extract practical lessons that would be beneficial for the modern day professional. Before we delve into these insights, let us explore 5 reasons why work life balance is so hard to master.

Why is Work-Life balance so hard to achieve?

5 Challenges to Achieving Work Life Balance

Here are 5 of some of the challenges that fuel the work-life balance debate:

1. It’s subjective

Modern day work life balance is based primarily on expectations. For an executive who works 50–60 hours per week but makes it a point to be home for dinner at 6pm every evening; is he considered to have “mastered” work/life balance? Perhaps from the executive’s point of view he might be proud of himself for being home for dinner every night, but his spouse or children might not appreciate that work occupies 80% of his time.

Similarly, consider the case of a working mother, who’s torn between her career and her family. Who decides if she has achieved “work/life balance”?

2. It’s transient

Work Life balance is not fixed. It changes with seasons and with every stage of our lives. You may be able to achieve some form of work/life balance when you have one child, you’re a junior staff, and you don’t have as many responsibilities. However, trying to achieve work life balance with 3 kids, a demanding job, a mortgage to pay off, and being involved in so many other extra curricular activities really is a challenge.

3. It’s not measurable

How do we even begin measuring work life balance? Is there a metric or scoring system that tells us how well we’re doing on the work life balance continuum? Are the number of hours spent on family vs. work vs. personal activities sufficient to measure our work life balance effectiveness? What about the quality of those hours? These questions and more make work life balance debate even harder.

4. It emphasizes “work” as larger than life

The whole idea that there’s “work” and then there’s “life” is problematic at many levels. Firstly, it assumes that work is the center of our lives and everything else is peripheral and on the side. Secondly, it assumes that work can never be integrated with life and that there’s a Great Wall of China separating the two.

As Dr.Stewart Friedman argues in his book “Leading the Life You Want: Skills for Integrating Work and Life“, the idea that “work” competes with “life” ignores the more nuanced reality of our humanity, which is arguably the interaction of four domains: work, home, community, and the private self. The goal needs to be to create harmony among these four areas instead of thinking only in terms of trade-offs.

5. It’s hard to plan for

Let’s be honest: you can plan the most balanced lifestyle, giving due time to every role you have, but reality always wins. Whether it’s that last minute emergency meeting at 4pm that disturbs your dinner plans, or rushing to the hospital in the middle of a client meeting because your child had an injury at school. Life keeps throwing stuff at us that makes it impossible for us to manage and truly have a balanced lifestyle.

By now, you might be thinking that achieving work-life balance is totally unattainable! It’s the right time to consider how insights from our Prophet Muhammad’s صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم life and practices.

3 Key Lessons from Prophet Muhammad صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم That Help Solve the Above Challenges

When one observes the daily routine of Prophet Muhammad صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم, one cannot resist but notice how balanced & effective it was during his life. This is the man who, in just 23 years changed the face of humanity with his mission. Interestingly, we never hear complaints from his family or companions that “he was too busy” or “didn’t have enough time for us”.

Although one can argue that the Prophet did not have a 9–5 job, nor did he face half the challenges and distractions we’re facing in our modern day lives, however we can still extract key lessons from his life that are applicable for us today.

Lesson 1: Scrap Work-Life Balance and Focus on Total Life Balance

The Prophet صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم once heard that one of his companions was fasting everyday and spending all night in prayer. The Prophet صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم made a point to go visit him and advise him not to do this. Here’s what he told him: “…I have been told that you stand all night (in prayer) and fast all day.’ I said: ‘Yes (I do).’ He said: ‘Do not do that. Sleep and stand (in prayer); fast and break your fast.

For your eyes have a right over you, your body has a right over you, your body has a right over you, your wife has a right over you, your guest has a right over you, and your friend has a right over you…” [Sunan an-Nasa’i 2391]

What fascinates me about this incident is how the Prophet made it a point to go and visit the man and advise him to stop. All of this despite the fact that the man was engaged in devotional acts of worship, which one would think the Prophet would be pleased about.

The key lesson for us here is that instead of thinking of work life balance in terms of what others expect from us, we should think of work life balance in terms of fulfilling rights: The rights of our body, the rights of our mind, the rights of our families, the rights of our friends, and of course, the rights of our workplaces.

Once we shift our thinking of work life balance from subjective/idealistic notions to rights of others (& ourselves) it becomes very clear and intuitive where to draw the line between the different parts of our lives and how to balance our lives given the circumstances. The elegance of this is that it takes away the guilt associated normally with work life balance. For example, if we know that we’ve fulfilled the rights of our workplace, then we shouldn’t feel guilty if we leave by 5pm just because everyone else expects us to stay longer.

To implement this lesson in practice, we need to firstly identify the different roles that we play in our lives and then understand what rights do each of these roles/entities have upon us. For example, as Muslims, one area we need to ‘shepherd our time’ for is in order to fulfil our responsibility of salah – this in itself is often a challenge, and many of us become chronically late for salah due to hectic days, commutes, meetings and lessons.

Lesson 2: Be a Shepherd in Every Role

The lesson about fulfilling rights above may seem to imply that as long as we fulfill the bare minimum rights to those around us then we’re considered to have succeeded in life.However, another cornerstone lesson that the Prophet صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم taught his followers is to look at our roles from the point of view of responsibility.

“He صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم said: “Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The amir (ruler) who is over the people is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is a shepherd in charge of the inhabitants of his household and he is responsible for his flock; a woman is a shepherdess in charge of her husband’s house and children and she is responsible for them; and a man’s slave is a shepherd in charge of his master’s property and he is responsible for it. So each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.” [Sunan Abi Dawud]

If you think about a shepherd, his role is not just to do the bare minimum of keeping the flock alive. His role is to nurture and to grow his flock and make sure they thrive — and not just survive.

The following passage from my new book “The Productive Muslim: Where Faith Meets Productivity” explains this concept further: If you think about what a shepherd does, he doesn’t simply protect the flock, he nurtures and develops them. He searches for new pastures, tends to the sick, ensures that young ones are taken care of, etc. It’s not a passive responsibility but a very active role… Imagine a parent thinking they are fulfilling their responsibility of educating their children by simply taking them to school. Is this person fulfilling the role of [shepherd] of his children? To be a true [shepherd], a parent needs not only to be concerned with their children’s attendance, but also their growth and development as productive citizens. He/she needs to check what they were taught in school, how they are doing with their homework, the manners they are learning, etc. This is how we fulfil in part our trusteeship of our children.

With this concept in mind — the conversation regarding work life balances again shifts away from subjective, debatable allocations of time, but towards the quality of our time that we spend to nurture and develop those around us and those who have rights upon us.

Lesson 3: Be Present & Have Quality Time

There’s a long narration in the books of hadeeth (sayings of Prophet Muhammad صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم) that I never understood until recently. It describes a long account that Ayisha رضي الله عنه is sharing with the Prophet about 11 women who tell each other about their husbands’ qualities. Ayisha رضي الله عنه goes through each of the 11 women and recounts in detail what each person said. The last story was about a woman called Um Zar who described her husband in positive terms and had no complaints about him.

The Prophet صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم said: “I am to you as Abu Zar was to his wife Um Zar” [Sahih Bukhari]

I used to scratch my head and try to understand the point of this narration. It made no sense to me until recently. There are various lessons to learn here, but a scholar explained that the main point of this story is to showcase how attentive, present, and a good listener the Prophet صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم was to his family. Something as small as just taking time to listen to your spouse can have a massive impact on nurturing and restoring balance to your relationship. When it comes to achieving a total life balance, a lot of the time, the small things are the big things.

Sometimes when we talk about work life balance we tend to think of how much time we’re spending at home, at work, or with our friends. But if we are 50% at home (mentally) when we are at work, and 50% at work (mentally) when we are at home, then it is no wonder we constantly feel stressed and not able to keep up.

The ability to be focused and 100% engaged in everything we do is a key characteristic of successful leaders who showcase how important the people around them. When such leaders do get busy, the people around them know it is an exception, not a rule, and are understanding and compassionate towards them.

Work life balance may seem elusive to many people, yet if we apply the key lessons above, like shifting the narrative around work-life balance to instead a fulfilling of rights and responsibilities, and being present with those around us, we’ll make huge strides in achieving a holistic, whole life balance.

Bonus Webinar Recording: “Work Life Balance from a Prophetic Perspective”
Click on the image above for a recording of a webinar I held recently for Muslim Professionals on this topic. It contains more practical tips on the notes made above that help modern professionals tackle work-life balance from a Prophetic perspective:
If you resonated with this article, please share with your friends and leave me your thoughts/feedback. Thank you for reading! 

Article Source: productivemuslim.com