Tag Archives: relationship

Smart women finding it tough on the dating scene may need to raise their game

Smart women finding it tough on the dating scene may need to raise their game

Smart women can’t find men to impregnate them, the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology conference in Geneva has been told.

Professor Marcia Inhorn​, a researcher from Yale, said female graduates were freezing their eggs due to a “dearth of educated men to marry”, and that this “man deficit” was worse in countries where more women attended university.

These days I’m more concerned about avoiding pregnancy than freezing my eggs. I can, however, relate to the difficulties faced by smart women in the dating scene.

Anecdotal evidence suggests men often “date down”, choosing partners less intelligent than themselves. Bright, accomplished women often complain that men are “intimidated” by them, and that they need to play down their accomplishments to get a date.

And, a couple of years ago, researchers confirmed this. While men claimed to be attracted to very smart women, in actuality they shied away from those who seemed more intelligent than them.

No wonder we have a generation of women freezing their eggs.

Except this unwillingness of men to date smart women really tells only half the story. There’s another issue, which no one seems to talk about, and that is the single-minded insistence on the part of smart women to marry smart men.

We take it for granted that the female graduates can’t find equally educated men. But why do they need to?

Smart women finding it tough on the dating scene may need to raise their game
When it comes to heterosexual dating, smart women could take a leaf out of our male counterparts’ books, writes Kerri Sackville. Photo: Branislava Zivic/Stocksy


Why can’t a woman be with a man less educated or intelligent than herself?

This, to me, is the key issue, and one I had not questioned until recently. It has always been a given: I want a man who is at least as intelligent as me. But why is this so important? And why is it usually true for women, but not for men?

Kerri Sackville. Photo: Nic Walker
Kerri Sackville. Photo: Nic Walker

We women are forging ahead, changing the paradigms in every area of life. We are in universities, in management, in politics, in boardrooms. We juggle motherhood with careers, buy our own properties, manage our own finances.

But in hetero relationships, we are still largely bound by traditions. We women still mainly seek men older than ourselvestaller than ourselvesbroader than ourselves. We prefer men who are equally or more successful than us, and who earn at least as much money as we do. And we seek men who are as smart, or smarter, than we are.

But why?

Back in 2011, a hedge funder was asked why he dated less intelligent women. His response:

“Dating a less successful woman isn’t about wanting women to be dumb. It’s about wanting someone who prioritises their life in a way that’s compatible with how you prioritise yours. I love my job, but I work all the f—ing time. If I date an equally driven woman, we’re both working 18 hours days, when do we even have time to see each other?”

It makes sense, but I’d never considered it. I’ve been involved with men taller than me, shorter than me, older and younger, but every single one has been extremely intelligent. I assumed that I “needed” to be with a very smart man. I want to be challenged in a relationship on an intellectual level.

But highly intelligent men can make for very difficult partners. They can be narcissistic, obsessive, rigid and demanding. They may have little time and energy for family and relationships. If you’re looking for a supportive and nurturing partner, a highly intelligent, successful man may not be the go.

As the hedge funder observed:

“Every alpha woman I know wants to be with a man who is as successful as her or more so. And co-ordinating that stuff is almost impossible. Why don’t they just date some beta male who works in a bookstore and will make dinner for them every night? Doesn’t every successful person – man or woman – see how that’s easier?”

Of course, it’s easier, but we don’t do it. And why not? Well, it’s a legacy of the traditional paradigm of man as provider/protector of the family. We think we’ve escaped from it, but we aren’t quite there.

We fight the idea of man as head of the household, insisting on shared parenting and shared housework and equal rights, but we can’t let that last vestige go. We want a man who is stronger than us intellectually. We want a partner with a superior mind.

We need to challenge that. I need to challenge that. I need to let go of the idea of a smarter partner, and seek someone who has the qualities that make for a good relationship. Emotional intelligence. Generosity. Sense of humour. A desire to rub my feet.

And perhaps the egg-freezing graduates can do the same. A degree isn’t going to get up with the baby at night, and compassion isn’t linked to education.

If we learn to be our own heads of family, then perhaps we might be more open to love.

Article Source : smh.com.au 

5 changes that can improve your marriage

5 Changes That Can Improve Your Marriage

It’s true that with time, every relationship comes to a point where things become more of a habit and the spark begins to die down. However, here is the silver lining. Not everything that’s lost is lost forever. Reigniting the initial spark in your marriage is not unachievable. With little hard work and a walk down a few extra miles, you can bring the charm back into your marital relationship and coax the spark back into a burning flame.

It does not require a gigantic intervention to bring the colors back into your marital life. All it takes is a shift in your daily routine and habits and watch your marriage come back to life. Following are the few little changes that can make a big impact on your marriage.

1. Redecorate Your Room and Turn it Into a Romantic Retreat

With kids in the house and a huge pile of household chores waiting to be done, your bedroom gets the least of your attention. Your bedroom is the only place where you and your spouse can retreat after a long tiring day. If you’ve got a child sleeping between you, sheets that haven’t been washed or changed for the longest time, or a pile of unfolded clothes laying around the bed, chances are that whatever little spark that you could have felt by the end of the day would go flying off the window with the first look on the huge mess lying in front of you.

Put some efforts into redecorating your room a little and cleaning up the everyday mess to avoid putting out any flicker of passion between you two. Paint your walls into a color that energizes and invokes cheerful vibes in you. Rearrange the furniture to bring about a pleasant change in your room. With a little tweak here and there, there is a great chance that the next time you enter your room with your spouse, the changed outlook of your room will instantly put the mood back into the bedroom.

2. Pay Close Attention to What You’re Giving, Not What You’re Getting

It’s understandable that when years have passed on a marriage, the focus shifts from what you’re giving to your partner to what you’re getting in return. Bring back the focus on what you’re contributing to the relationship and watch sparks fly right back into your marital life. Readjusting your focus on making life easier for your partner will avert your eyes from what’s making life more difficult, and your marriage will ultimately grow stronger and healthier.

3. Words of Encouragement and Endearment Cost Nothing At All

There is nothing more powerful than the words of endearment and pure encouragement. Sometimes your spouse does things that invoke critical comments out of you and you find it hard to suppress your disapproval for their actions. However, words of genuine praise and encouragement play a better role at brining improvement in your spouse’s life than criticism and disapproval.

4. Set a Daily Goal for Your Marriage

Setting a goal for your life is already very important. Imagine the amount of improvement you can bring in your marriage when you set a goal for your marriage. When you set small goals to improve your marital relationship and make a conscious decision every day to achieve them, the very gesture will send out a positive message towards your spouse, reflecting how invested you are in fostering your relationship with your spouse.

5. Pay More Attention than is Necessary

One of the things that can instantly put out a flame of passion before it even sparks up is lack of attention. If your partner’s voice is blending into the background and you appear tuned out, chances are that your spouse would sense your lack of interest and drift away from you. Lack of interest can give birth to communication gap and can ultimately become one of the reasons of your relationship’s demise. The next time you’re sitting with your spouse, put own your phone, set your laptop aside, shut the TV off, and stop what you are doing to pay attention to what they are saying.